Wednesday, 21 August 2013
I Got My Toes Sucked By Tarantino And All I Got Was This Lousy Blog
Jamaica Basically Stopped Drug Testing Its Athletes Before The Olympics
As the accompanying chart notes, in the three months leading up to the Olympics, not one Jamaican athlete was tested out-of-competition—when dopers are more likely to be caught by surprise and fail a test.Of course, U.S. sprinting star Tyson Gay failed multiple drug tests this year. The sport's problems are bigger than one island's.In July, Elliott was vague when asked about the number of out-of-competition tests conducted by JADCO in 2013. "I don't want our athletes to know whether it's 400 or 500 or whatever," he told The Guardian. But Prime Minister Portia Simpson Miller recently told Parliament that—in total since 2009—there have been 356 out-of-competition tests conducted in Jamaica.
The current program—while improved—makes a mockery of Jamaica's posturing and flames suspicion more than it douses it. Between the time Between the time the current board was appointed, in February 2012, and the start of the London Olympics late last July, out-of-date testing kits and limited staffing resources resulted in a total of one out-of-competition test.
An inside look at Jamaican track's drug-testing woes [SI.com]
Just Nate Robinson Dribbling Around Random People At The Airport
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Why Your Team Sucks 2013 · NFLMedia Meltdowns · ESPN · MLB
Pedro Alvarez Scored On His Own Single
Alvarez said he was waiting for third-base coach Nick Leyva to stop him: "He didn't, and I just kept on going." Andrew McCutchen, who was on first base, also scored. The Pirates would add another run in the sixth on an actual home run by Alvarez, his NL-leading 31st. Denorfia hadn't committed an error since June 24. "I just missed it," he said. Center fielder Will Venable finally got to the ball at the wall, but it honestly looked like it might roll to Mission Bay Park first.Pedro Alvarez rounded the bases in 16.2 seconds
— Brian Cartwright (@blcartwright) August 20, 2013
Purdue Pride Proves There's No Such Thing As Purdue Shame
Roger Goodell swings his shithammer: Antonio Smith has been suspended for the Texans' final two pres
Ryan Dempster suspended: It's a five-game ban (with pay) for beaning A-Rod.
additional replies awaiting review.
Some rhymes for your fan-pride video, courtesy Spencer Hall: "I rep Vandy, and roll candy/ paint on
This RGIII Shirt Is A Nightmare
Today In Bad Ledes: "Football Can Be Confusing...Especially For Women"
The lede is the most vital line in a story. A reporter's chance to draw you in, tell you what the story is going to be about, and most importantly, not immediately alienate 50 percent of the readership.The lede of this article on AL.com:It's a story about an upcoming event for women who want to know more about football, so it's not totally out of nowhere. Still, it traffics in dismissive generalization that's bound to draw an uproar, and draw one it did. The comments are filled with angry people, and once it started to get pickup around the web, AL.com tweaked the lede to remove the "especially for women" bit, and added an editor's note:"Football can be a confusing and often vexing concept, especially for women."
No harm, no foul. Still, this one was kind of inexplicable. This is Alabama. Their women, children, and housepets know more about football than you do.[via Romenesko]Update: This story has been edited to remove incorrect and offensive assumptions about women and football. We apologize for the error in judgment.
Two Teens Charged With Murder Of Australian Baseball Player
Jones, who is being charged with use of a vehicle in the discharge of a weapon and accessory to first-degree murder, was driving. Luna, in the backseat, allegedly fired the .22-caliber revolver, striking Lane in the back.Police released tape of the 911 call:District Attorney Jason Hicks said Edwards, the youngest suspect, showed no remorse when he was arrested, even dancing as he was booked at the Stephens County jail. “His demeanor was this whole thing was one big joke,” Hicks said. “He thinks it's funny.”Though Edwards and Luna are being tried as adults, they are not eligible for the death penalty because of their ages.On CNN last night, former Australian Deputy Prime Minister Tim Fischer argued for a tourist boycott, citing the U.S.'s high murder rate."They saw Christopher go by, and one of them said: 'There's our target,''' [police chief Danny] Ford said."The boy who has talked to us said, 'We were bored and didn't have anything to do, so we decided to kill somebody.'''
Ford told the television station KOCO in Oklahoma City that one of the teens said they shot Lane for "the fun of it.''
In response, Hicks told reporters that “this is not something that is supposed to happen here, and to our friends in Australia I would say to you this is not Duncan, Oklahoma, this is not Stephens County, Oklahoma."Lane, a 23-year-old studying in America on a baseball scholarship, was staying in Duncan with his girlfriend before heading back to East Central University."People thinking of going to the USA for business or tourists trips should think carefully about it given the statistical fact you are 15 times more likely to be shot dead in the USA than in Australia per capita per million people."
Lane's funeral will be held in his hometown of Melbourne. In the meantime, his old baseball club in Australia has started a fund in his name, and will be playing a memorial baseball game in his honor this Sunday."(He was) such an amazing person and I'm going to miss him forever. But I'm really glad that I got the four years with him," [Sarah] Harper told reporters.
Ty Lawson And Girlfriend Arrested For Breaking Each Other's Phones
Allegedly. They were also allegedly "yelling at each other," according to what the sheriff of Arapahoe County, Colo., told the Denver Post.The arrests stemmed from an altercation Saturday night at the Nuggets point guard's home. It's not known who called the cops, but Lawson was charged with physical harassment and criminal mischief; his girlfriend, Ashley Nicole Pettiford, was also arrested, though the Post did not specify with what she's been charged.In January, Lawson had been arrested on an outstanding warrant for failure to appear in court on a driving under restraint/careless driving charge from last year.Lawson was arraigned Monday and freed on $1,000 bond. Aside from the broken phones and the shouting, sheriff Grayson Robinson said of the situation, "I don't believe it was physical otherwise."[Denver Post, via SLAM]Wasn't It Nice To See Everyone? The World's End, Reviewed.
Why You Will Never See Another Big Olympic Boycott
If we couldn't muster the courage to boycott the Beijing Olympics in the wake of numerous human rights violations, or to sit out these Sochi Olympics because the Russians won't allow you to even say nice things about gay people, we're never pulling a 1980 again. Never ever ever. The President of the host Olympics country could wipe his nuts on the First Lady's chin and we still wouldn't boycott. There are too many people that have a financial and/or personal interest in keeping the Olympics running on schedule: TV execs, advertisers, athletes who would mow down a school of Tibetan children for a gold medal, IOC officials who hate the idea of refunding bribe money, etc. Our creaky political machinery has no hope of standing up to those factions. If the President ever tried to mandate a boycott, those people would pull all of his party's campaign funding. Some asshole would run a TV ad that said, "The President loves queers more than he loves 'MERICA!" The IOC would never let one of our cities host an Olympics again. The potential consequences are enough to cow any 21st century American political leader. None of them have the sack to actually demand people make sacrifices in the name of basic human decency. And so the Sochi Olympics will go on, and NBC will let Bob Costas do one tasteful segment about Russia's anti-gay laws, and that will be it. It's not comforting to know that we can't take a stand on anything if it means a fucking Coke billboard is endangered by it.Nick:Will Doubles Luge violate Russia's anti-gay laws? And would the US ever have the stones to boycott an Olympics ever again?
Both jobs are so specialized that if you signed a kicker/punter, he would probably be able to DO both jobs, but not do them well. At the very height of the profession, the guys who are the best kickers are the ones whose hamstrings stretch a hundredth of a millimeter longer than, say, Billy Cundiff's. Microscopic differences in ability are magnified to an insane degree, so a kicker who takes up the job of punter would probably have his technique compromised in both instances. Remember: plenty of NFL teams have saved a roster spot just for guys who kick off, so you can imagine how much more vast the difference is between kicking and punting.An Ironman kicker would probably have a subpar Net Punt Average, and he'd probably miss 30 to 40 percent of his field goal attempts from over 40 yards. Is it worth keeping a sixth shitty linebacker on your spot at the expense of all those lost points and lost yardage? No. Johann:How come we don't see one person doing kicking and punting in the NFL? It seems like someone should be able to pull that off, and it would help a team save a roster spot. Also said kicker/punter would get paid a little more than they would just being a kicker or punter.
1) Cross Jesus was crucified on, intact (bid easily in the tens of billions, with the Vatican being the consensus winner)2) Ark of the Covenant (also in the billions)3) Original writings of Muhammad (the entire country of Saudi Arabia bids against Dubai - this one gets ugly and might lead to a war)4) Holy Grail 5) Noah's Ark (assuming you could safely transport the entire thing. I see Larry Ellison buying this one as a power move). We have to assume that there's no hypothetical limit to what people can bid, since something like the True Cross would never be put up for auction and, even if it were, it would have a value so high that no one could actually purchase it. Also, we're assuming that the Holy Grail and the Ark of the Covenant actually exist, and that they are NOT imbued with supernatural powers that can melt a Nazi's face off. If there really were a Holy Grail that bequeathed eternal life to you, it would be worth 70 quadrillion dollars.I still think certain works of art—the Mona Lisa, The Starry Night—belong on that list. The Mona Lisa is the most recognizable piece of art in the history of the world. For insurance purposes, it's been valued at over a billion dollars. I'd rather have that than Noah's Ark. What are you gonna do with that Ark? It's not seaworthy anymore. And it's probably loaded with old giraffe droppings. No thank you.Other candidates include the Rosetta Stone, the Hope Diamond, the Crown Jewels, and the Sistine Chapel. After all, the Chapel is an artifact in itself. If the Vatican was pressed for cash in the wake of numerous child molestation legal settlements, it could probably fetch and hefty ransom for the chapel. A.J. Daulerio would easily offer $12.45 for it.Sal:What would be the five artifacts throughout history that would generate the highest auction bids? What would be your list and what do you think the final bid prices would be? After about 30 minutes of deliberation, we came up with:
I think it's happened. I know mothers of twins are always like, "I can absolutely tell them apart because of my magical mommy powers," but I bet they say that just to comfort themselves. What if mommy is a drunk? It would be relatively easy for Tiki to become Ronde and Ronde to become Tiki (and then for them to get switched once more so that everything falls back into place).In general, a baby can respond to its first name before it even turns a year old. Once the child knows its own name, it's awfully hard to switch their identities. It would have to happen in the newborn stages. And really, would it matter THAT much at that point? So you mixed them up. They're babies. They have all the time in the world to slip into their new identities. If I were a twin and someone was like, "You're not Sam. You were actually Bob at birth," I would be like well, that's tough shit for my brother, because I'm Sam now. DIBS.If you want really want to keep twins distinct from birth, all you need is a tattoo artist. Problem solved.Buster:Has anyone ever permanently mixed up identical twins? Especially with all the confusion surrounding a newborn, it has to be virtually impossible that the given name of the kid is the one he ultimately ends up with. Eventually I'm sure there's distinguishing characteristics which help the parents but there has to be some solid percentage of parents who unknowingly pulled the permanent switcheroo.
No, I think it's much harder for them because they are a living letdown. You're not the James Franco. You're Jimmy Franco, and you're boring. Your date was all excited to go out with that dude who acts in movies and takes too many dipshit grad school courses, and now her night is ruined. I got an email once from Dan Savage, and I was like COOL! DAN SAVAGE emailed me! But it wasn't that Dan Savage. It was just some law school student named Dan Savage. Pfft, what have you ever done for the gays, Other Dan Savage? You make me sick.Mike:Do you think guys with names of attractive celebrities get residual women? Does a normal guy also named James Franco get laid more often just because his name is James Franco?
If they're all equal sizes, I think a gang of five or six guys could probably subdue Royce Gracie if they needed to. It only takes a few guys to subdue a full-grown crocodile, so wrangling a human—even one skillfully trained in hand-to-hand combat—would probably be a comparable task. A great fighter can probably fend off three guys, maybe four. But he's only got two arms and two feet. He can only engage with so many opponents at a time before some extra assailant comes in unguarded. Unless he's an OCTOMAN.Again, this assumes that the angry gang of Raiders fans have the courage to attack simultaneously, and standing around hoping someone else charges in first to receive the first Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.HALFTIME!BR:Assuming no weapons, what is the maximum number of average-joes the single best fighter in the world can take on at a single time?
HE'S A MOLE. He's telling you that his missions were classified because he was working for the dirty Russkies the whole time, bombing gays every chance he got.Seriously though, I assume he was flying missions into countries that, technically speaking, we aren't supposed to be flying into. And I assume that he was delivering highly trained KILL SQUADS of Special Forces/Green Berets/SEALS/Rangers/Delta Force/Monster Squad operatives to kill various terrorist leaders and drug cartel kingpins. They kept his identity top secret so that Al Qaeda couldn't find him and be like, So it was Jimmy who was bombing us that whole time. We're gonna kill the SHIT out of Jimmy. Or perhaps he was transporting heads of state, and they didn't want his identity compromised so that enemies could figure out where Obama/Hillary/Biden were jetting off to.All of that is reasonable. But if I were you, I'd prefer to never know the truth. I would prefer to stay in the dark so that I can imagine the most outlandish shit possible about your uncle: transporting alien corpses, rescuing spies once Ghost Protocol has been issued, etc. Reality is always so much more boring than what you can conjure up.Blake:So my uncle by marriage and his family moved across the United States while he was flying for one of the Armed Forces. About 15 years ago, they moved from a Midwestern state to the East Coast because he had "retired" from the military and had accepted a job with a private firm. I say "retired" because we later learned, about 6-8 years ago, that his move was actually a designed decoy by the military; the missions he was flying were so top secret that they faked his retirement and gave him a fake corporation that everyone thought he worked for (everyone, including his kids, but excluding his wife).
We only found this out because certain portions of the mission had become declassified over the years but to this day we still don't know what he was doing during those "retired" years. When asked, all he can tell us was that he wasn't in danger but the people he transported could have been. What was he doing? Was he a Seal Team Six pilot? Did he fly to Mars and back?
It's definitely a children's film because children have a higher tolerance for watching the same movie over and over and over again. I'm older now, and I never want to watch the same movie more than twice. Ever. I have all these DVDs I bought when I was in my 20s because I thought I would watch Braveheart 60 more times. I'm NEVER watching it again. I got it. I know it well enough by now. If I have the free time to watch a movie, I'm watching some NEW flick where people get thrown out of castle towers, not the same one I saw before.I assume the title-holder changes annually based upon what new movies have entered the marketplace, but I bet that Finding Nemo has taken the top spot on more than one occasion. It's the #1 selling DVD of all time, and kids like watching Pixar movies over and over again (more so than traditional 2D cartoons, which most kids now treat like boring museum artifacts). It has to be Finding Nemo, or Shrek, or Toy Story 3, or Monsters Inc., or even Cars. If it's Cars, I'll burn this country to the ground.Matt:If you were to keep a count of how many times each movie is watched per year, which movie would come out on top every year? This includes DVD's, VHS, Netflix, Redbox and all other platforms where an individual would voluntarily put an effort towards watching the movie. Finding something that's on satellite or cable doesn't count. I'm going The Lion King. Suitable for all ages and is loved by everyone.
No.By the way, if you're gonna ride into your wedding ceremony on a horse, you should take your vows on the horse, too. And the reverend should also be on a horse. And the horses should also get married. And the rev's horse should be killed and cooked for the reception. Don't half-ass a horse wedding. Will:I was at a country wedding this weekend. Outdoor ceremony in front of a barn, wedding party entered to country music, bride rode in a horse to (I think) Taylor Swift.
Am I an awful person for wishing she fell of the fucker?
Not only will your great grandkids probably be dealing with the same bullshit that you and I deal with, but it'll probably be worse for them. Consider that the Hyperloop has already received a fair amount of derision. The second people start zeroing in on cost and environmental impact and whether you would have to move a town hall six feet to accommodate our futuristic blast pods, the entire plan goes to shit. People, and politicians in particular, don't like doing anything. Building a Hyperloop means doing a LOT. And that's hard! If you tried to build a Transcontinental Railroad today, you'd get about as far as fucking Albany.And don't think the people at BIG PLANE aren't already working to undermine Elon Musk's vision. Any kind of newfangled travel infrastructure that's super fast and cool as shit can only be built by an entity that has both the money to burn, the authority to build it whenever and wherever it wants, and the power to lash workers into slaving over it, which means you gotta go to Commie China to ride on a MagLev train. Total bullshit. I would totally sacrifice all my human rights for a ride on the Hyperloop.Don't forget about weather fucking everything up, too. The weather is so insane nowadays that all departure times listed on the airport monitor may as well say WHENEVER. Once the polar ice caps melt and half of the Eastern Seaboard is underwater, it's gonna be a real bitch to fly into LaGuardia. I'm not looking forward to it.Not Johnny Manziel:One could easily argue that air, train, and auto travel are all becoming increasingly shitty, especially in heavily populated areas. Is anyone working on this or are my great grandkids going to be dealing with all the same bullshit travel annoyances that you and I have today?
You shouldn't feel guilty about picking on the replacement DB when his teammate got carted off. That's just sound strategy. AIN'T NO PLACE IN THIS GAME FOR BLEEDIN' HEARTS. I say you should pad your garbage time stats while you can. When else will you encounter a team that emotionally vulnerable?It's only natural to feel shitty for a kid who was so severely injured (I also feel bad for the kid who got his finger stuck, because that probably hurt really bad), and to wonder if it was appropriate to even continue playing the game. It's good that you have that kind of internal compassion. It means you're not a serial killer. So long as you didn't stand over the paralyzed kid and shout YOU GOT JACKED UP, BITCH!, I think you're all right.BMF:I play quarterback for my high school football team in Texas. A year ago I threw an interception in a blowout game. Our varsity defense and their JV offense came on the field. They ran a run play. Our safety came up and attempted to tackle their running back, but he got his finger caught in the kid's facemask. He tried to pull his hand out, but instead he turned the kid's head somewhere between 180 and 360 degrees.
The kid went down, coughed up the ball and we recovered. The kid didn't get up. He was paralyzed, and they had to call the special ambulance with the doctors in it and everything. I went out after a thirty-minute layoff and threw an 85-yard touchdown pass on the next play, picking on the backup corner who had come into the game for the paralyzed player (he played both ways).
The kid recovered somehow, so he can walk, but I heard from one of my friends on the opposing team that he will never be able to play sports again. Am I right to feel guilty about this whole situation? If it matters, we lost the game by 40 points.
If David Stern was put in charge of the NFL, he would be fired instantly by the owners because they wouldn't tolerate him acting as if he was their boss. And if Stern or Goodell were placed in charge of baseball, there would immediately be some kind of labor strife. There's no way that Stern or Goodell could tolerate—even comprehend—the idea of a sport not having a salary cap. WE'VE GOT TO GET THESE SALARIES UNDER CONTROL FOR THE GOOD OF AMERICA! Also, if Goodell were put in charge of the NBA, he would suspend everyone indefinitely while wearing some kind of commemorative Navy ship baseball hat.Oddly enough, I think Bud would probably be the most versatile commissioner of the bunch. Just put him in charge of any league and he'd be like AWWW JEEZ, YOU GUYS, I DUNNO IF THAT'S A GOOD IDEA BUT AW GEE I GUESS IF YOU'RE OKAY WITH IT THEN I AM. Presto! Four extra wild card teams in the NFL. He's a five-tool toady. Anonymous:What would happen if our three acting commissioners for football, basketball, and baseball agreed to step into another sport as interim commissioner for 5 years? Which sport would reap the greatest benefit from the experiment? Which would suffer?
Well now, suddenly everything Jenny McCarthy has ever said about vaccines makes perfect sense. Anyway, penis transplants are apparently a real thing. FUN FACT: The first man to ever receive a penis transplant ended up having to give the penis BACK because of "a severe psychological problem of the recipient and his wife." The penis worked just fine, but the poor bastard's wife REJECTED the thing. Think about how whipped you have to be to send your new penis back and live with a stump just because the missus can't tolerate the idea of having John Doe's organ inside of her now. That is some kind of influence that lady wields. I wouldn't give that second penis back for all the penises in China.You get two emails of the week this week. Let's go.Phil:Consider this case that a guy in my firm is handling: the plaintiff took a vaccine for hepatitis B and had the most f’ed up allergic reaction to it that has ever occurred in the history of the world.
Apparently, in about 1:1.5 million vaccines, people develop a severe blistering and peeling of their skin – as in, the skin peels OFF your body and doesn’t return. This poor bastard not only had this, but had it on his penis. It was so severe that his penis literally fell off his body.
What followed is something I cannot believe missed national news: he got a dick transplant from a dead black guy (the plaintiff is white). While that may sound like an upgrade for most white dudes, unfortunately, this guy’s new big penis does not work. How cruel is life that it not only allowed this guy’s johnson to fall off, only to be replaced by a large “new” one, but one that doesn’t work?
I don't believe a word of that story, and yet I love it anyway. Please do not fight an orangutan.Erik:I was the head coach of a college summer league team in rural NC, and one day on the bus my assistant coach and I got to talking about what we would do if we came face-to-face with Bigfoot. My initial reaction was to challenge him to a fist fight. Out of nowhere our (extremely southern) bus driver chimes up with, "the fuck you would". When asked how he knew what I would do, he responded with the greatest tale of all time.
It was 1972 and he has just gotten out of the military. He was the baddest SOB on the planet. Hearing there was a $500 prize at the NC State Fair for anyone who could beat a full grown orangutan in a fistfight, he knew he was the man for the job. He jumped in his El Dorado and pounded a fifth of vodka on his way down.
When he got there and hopped in the ring, the monkey just stood there. So like anyone he uppercut the fucking monkey clear across the cage, slamming it into the fence.
He said the monkey popped right back up, and just then, "That monkey made eyes across the ring and he knew he fucked up". The monkey then proceeded to jump on him and beat him for three minutes, and in his words, it felt like three grown men with bats had assaulted him.
Having been through this, there is no way I would fist fight a Bigfoot. Would PETA shit bricks if they heard of a monkey fighting ring now a days?
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at drew@deadspin.com. You can also buy Drew's book, Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.Art by Sam WoolleyI went to college in Montana and on the eve of my 21st birthday my friends took me to a strip club called Teasers. This was the kind of strip club where the strippers kept their baby behind the bar while they danced. They also had a tradition where, on your birthday, they would pull you up on stage write all over you and spank you with belts. I may have used a few choice words describing one of the exotic dancing professionals and my belting was on the severe side. I was black and blue from the back of my knees to my shoulders.
The next morning, I wake up in my bed next to my then-girlfriend and get up to empty my bladder when I step into a huge puddle on my rug where apparently I had peed during the night. I then get a call from a number I do not recognize. I answer it and this guy goes, “Hey how ya doin” and hands it to a few girls that start singing happy birthday.
The guy gets back on and asks how my head feels and I respond with something like, “My head feels fine, but I got my ass beat by strippers last night and I think I peed on my floor,” to which he replies with a very nervous chuckle, “Whoa too much information” It is at this moment that I realize that the person that I am speaking to is not a random friend who’s number I have lost, but my girlfriend's father, and the girls that sang me happy birthday were her mom and younger sister and they have all heard my response on speaker phone.
So I did what any sane person would who just told his girlfriend’s parents that he is an incontinent drunk who frequents strip clubs: I screamed like a little girl, hung up the phone and avoided them like a plague until my terrible relationship eventually fell apart.
Why Your Team Sucks 2013: Kansas City Chiefs
Jesus. Jesus Christ. Why is the world so horrible? I don't want to go on knowing people can bear witness to something like this. By the way, Crennel and Pioli were both fired. Imagine how poorly you have to do to not get a grace period after watching someone commit suicide in front of you.Your coach: Andy Reid. And if Andy Reid chooses a black jacket for winter home games, I will feel beyond cheated. I want that man rocking a bright red puffy coat and looking like a tomato blimp on the sidelines.Anyway, Andy Reid is an experienced coach with an excellent reputation for building an organization from the ground up and a terrible reputation for freezing up at the exact wrong moment of an important game. It's a good thing Kansas City has never had a coach like that! I hope you fans enjoy watching Jamaal Charles (already hurt, by the way) inexplicably get fewer than 14 carries a game. Todd Haley certainly approves of that strategy.Your quarterback: Alex Smith. Holy shit, does this franchise have a compulsion for bringing in old 49er quarterbacks: Montana, Bono, Grbac. How Jeff Garcia eluded them is beyond me. The problem with Alex Smith is that, even when he's good, no one really believes he'll stay that way. He completed 70% of his passes last season for a stud team and STILL couldn't keep his job. There will always be a point at which Alex Smith turns back into Alex Smith. BUT WHEN? Don't keep me guessing, fella!Your one fantasy player everyone will hate: Dwayne Bowe. He could catch 15 TDs again. He could. The fact that he did once upon a time gives fantasy owners the illusion that he can do it twice. Somewhere, buried deep inside his brain, under all the Skittle wrappers, is the soul of a man who has the ability to catch 15 TDs. He even has a shiny new QB to help coax that fabulous player back out of the woodwork. But he'll never do it again, because he sucks. With Smith around, you could easily talk yourself into believing that Bowe will have a rebound year. And then Smith will develop a rapport with Donnie Avery instead and you will give MURDEREYES to Bowe any time you see him run a fade route two steps out of the back of the end zone.Why your team sucks: It's a measure of how far the Chiefs have fallen that the combination of Reid and Smith represents a COLOSSAL upgrade for the franchise. With Andy Reid as your coach and Alex Smith as your QB, you know damn well that you aren't ever going to win a Super Bowl. But you won't completely suck, and that's about all the Chiefs can ask for at this point. If they win 11 games, get bounced after one round due to a horrendous clock management error and no one dies, they'll have basically had their finest season of the new century. The problem is that the Chiefs are now locked in for at least three more years of this kind of bland, ultimately pointless competence. Go ask Eagles fans how much they enjoyed "winning" with Andy Reid in charge. By the end of Reid's tenure in Philly, Eagles fans were BEGGING to go 0-16, to fall into a state of unfathomable misery just to be rid of Reid forever. That's the kind of madness that awaits you, Chiefs fans. It seems like a rosier situation now. Soon, it will torture you like a constant drip of water to the forehead. The second you see Anthony Sherman get the ball on 4th-and-1 at the goal line, with Charles sitting on the sideline, you'll know what you're in for.Time for me to say terrible things about Kansas City, a place I've never been to. All I'll say is that you could live like a god in Kansas City on about $15,000 a year. You could buy a nice house, own a car, have pleasant neighbors, and all that. But no one ever moves there because no one wants to be stuck in Kansas City for the rest of his life. You'd never see a body of water, or a hill, and you'd lose your dog to a tornado within the first five months. Why your team doesn't suck: Have you met the Raiders and Chargers? Second place in the AFC West has never been more assured. You people should send Matt Flynn a cooler of Omaha Steaks.The 11 worst Chiefs ever:1) Brodie Croyle. BUT HIS WIFE WAS SUCH A HOT SLAMPIECE BRO I'D CRUSH THAT HIGH FIVE!2) Belcher. Objectively speaking. 3) Ryan Sims. They managed to grab Sims while the Vikes were sleeping on the draft clock. Oh, I bet they felt like geniuses when they managed to draft him. WE GOT OUR GUY!4) Sylvester Morris. FACT: The name of KC's mayor is Sly James. Sounds trustworthy!5) Victor Riley6) Dwayne T. Robinson. "Could be a fucking bartender for all we know!"7) Snoop Minnis. I can't tell you how disappointing it is for a football player named Snoop to not be good.8) Tony Casillas9) Matt Blundin10) Herm Edwards11) Todd Blackledge. This team does not excel at the quarterback selection process.Emails from Chiefs fansCole:Crennel raised both his hands, pleading with Belcher to put the gun down. “You’re taking the easy way out!” Crennel yelled.
Belcher glanced at an approaching police officer, then knelt behind a minivan, made the sign of the cross on his chest with his left hand and fired a bullet into his head above his right ear. After the gunshot, Crennel slumped, dropped his hands and turned away from Belcher.
Mike:Alex Smith and Andy Reid are being hailed as franchise saviors. Can't wait until Alex decides the best way to lead a 2:00 drill is to throw 3-yard hooks to a tight end while Andy stares at the goddamn play sheet like it's a Chinese takeout menu.
Ben:Zero playoff wins in 19 seasons. I was legitimately excited when they hired Andy Reid, which probably says enough itself.
Ghost of Joe Delaney:For whatever reason, the only other Chiefs fans I've ever met have been at poker tables.
Anonymous:You should hear all the bubbling optimism from KC Chiefs' fans in the area. This team went two and fourteen last year, and Peppy McPepperson is breaking down the schedule saying, "I can really see an 11-5, MAYBE 12-4 season." Bullshit. It's going to be a shitty 5-11 season, culminating in an awful draft pick, right before a future Hall of Fame QB is taken by another team. The only player to be excited about is Jamaal Charles, and he is probably going to step on another first down marker in Week 2.
Donald:Nothing screams "inferiority complex" like thousands of chubby-faced, rosy-cheeked mid-westerners donning the ketchup and mustard and cramming their faces full of ribs at 10am on a Sunday and then bragging about the greatest tailgate in the country. It's a parking lot in the middle of nowhere. People bring coolers and barbecue grills to a desolate field and act like they've reinvented the kegger. You know what would be more fun? Going to a bar, walking to the stadium at game time, and then leaving and going to another fucking bar. But we can't do that because the Chiefs conned KC taxpayers into spending $600 million polishing their turd in Independence.
Also, I don't know whose kid chose firetruck and school bus as a color scheme, but he deserves to be drowned. Anyone working in an office in Kansas City that observes "Red Friday" and has to stare at this all day knows what I'm talking about.
Zach:The upgrade from Romeo Crennell to Andy Reid is like opting for an upgrade to first class in your flight to Des Moines, Iowa.
Brad:Being a Chiefs fan is fearing winning 13 games and getting the top seed at the best homefield in the NFL because we've blown it three times in that exact manner. It's constantly watching the team decide to trade and make the San Francisco 49ers backup quarterback our franchise QB (seriously, Steve Bono?). It's having people look at you like you're Hannibal Lecter for hating random people who have the same name or half of the name of kickers who've destroyed our seasons (Lin Elliot, Jon Baker). It's hoping and praying the Chargers never get a clue because if they win a Super Bowl than KC REALLY will be the most inept franchise in the division. It's having our heart and guts torn out by this bizarre curse of deaths (Derrick Thomas' was my favorite Chief ever and that death still hurts).
And the crazy thing is, it shouldn't be this way. The Chiefs used to be a gold standard franchise with leadership that literally changed pro football. Lamar Hunt was the guy who started the AFL, hell he pushed for the creation of the Super Bowl and even named the damn thing. Kansas City was one of the most successful franchises from about 1960-71 with a roster full of Hall of Famers. They played in the first Super Bowl. They won the fourth and legitimized the AFL by proving Namath's win was no fluke. Hell, the modern NFL Films started getting popular when they put a microphone on Hank Stram as he wailed nonsense on the sidelines of that game. They were the only NFL team in the 70s with the foresight to realize what dumps cookie cutter stadiums were and built Arrowhead, the best stadium in the NFL that still looks like it was built yesterday 40 years later. We've basically had the same sharp and traditional uniforms forever without changing them to some goofy USFL/XFL looking joke (See-Broncos, Vikings, etc).
And yet this is what they've become.
So ever since I reached my 20s, I've come to this point: I enter every year just hoping the team is entertaining to watch. I don't expect Super Bowls or playoff wins or division titles. I just hope they don't suck too much, all the while knowing in the back of my head that they probably will. What's the point of being like Viking and Chargers fans who, despite their teams constant failures, still get so wrapped up and believe in them to the point that they get either physically violent or devastated when the inevitable choke comes? Aiming low at least allows Chiefs fans to enjoy the season (even if we can't actually enjoy the Chiefs). And hey, maybe some day KC will finally figure it out (or get lucky) and win it all. Being a Chiefs fan is like being the guy who always asks out the hottest girl in school/at the club: we know we probably don't have a shot, and get shot down in flames every time, but boy will we enjoy it if we ever do get lucky.
Andrew:Alex Smith is going to get a concussion at some point this season, and then every hick in Missouri is going to jizz in their Zubaz when Daniel starts a game.
Tom:The Chiefs have not won a game with a quarterback that they drafted since 198-fucking-7.
Patrick:Only the Chiefs would end up with the first overall pick in the most boring draft ever. How many people even remember Eric Fisher's name at this point?
Nate:What was formerly the greatest home field experience in the NFL is now a sad, intentionally ignorant shell of its former glory. The tailgating experience has a real District 9ish feel to it now. Only instead of being inhabited by degenerate crustacean refugees, the parking lot is full of the genetic consequence of allowing the two worst states in the union to fuck each other in the mud for 160+ years.
Tim:Fuck Herm Edwards.
Brian:We picked up a QB who was known as a bust his entire career until just a couple years ago, and we're legitimately excited about it.
Ray:I hope Carl Peterson's boat explodes in Miami.
JT:Because the most dangerous scoring threats they’ve had this past couple generations have been return specialists. People still wear Tamarick Vanover and Dante Hall jerseys to games.
Because the last game I went to, the halftime entertainment was a dog who caught footballs…he caught more balls than any Chiefs receiver did that game.
Because arguably their biggest moment in pop culture history is the Snickers ad where the groundskeeper misspells their name on the end zone.
Because no matter how bad they are, they get a pass because they still won’t suck worse than the Royals. (oh wait - the Royals are in the wild card race this year? Uh oh...)
Jack:The Chiefs are so fucking God-awful, that they can get a bunch of injured starters back (Charles, Berry, Moeaki) and manage to be far worse.
Mike:Todd fucking Blackledge.
Bruce Matthews? No. Jim Kelly? No. Tony Fucking Eason? No. Willie Gault? No. Joey Shit Browner? No. Cocksucking Ken O'Brien? Fuck No. Goddamn Sonofabitch Motherfucking Dan Fucking Marino? Oh Jesus Christ No. Darrell Christ All Friday Fucking Green? Perish the fucking thought.
Todd fucking Blackledge. Fuck the Chiefs.
Andrew:Joe Montana's time with the Chiefs is rightly regarded as an asterisk attached to the end of his career. Yet it represents the franchise's high water mark since Super Bowl IV.
Jarric:I want to say fuck Scott Pioli and Fuck Romeo Crennel, but really, fuck Bill Belichick for starting to coach and starting a tree that has borne less fruit than a fucking orchard in Chernobyl.
Clay:Fuck Lin Elliot.
Jeremy:The first thing I thought when I saw this commercial is that only the Chiefs would be stupid enough to blow the #1 pick on a 46-year-old man.
Ryanfan:A long time ago the Chiefs found a Hall Of Fame quarterback off the NFL scrap heap. Forty years after lucking into that bullshit, the Chiefs are still convinced that chasing castoffs at the most important position on the field is a grand idea, refusing to believe the evidence that for every one Len Dawson there are too many Steve DeBergs, Dave Kriegs, Steve Bonos and Matt Cassels to count.
Gino:Go to any sporting goods store in this suburban wasteland and you'll find a clearance rack full of jerseys of the last failed savior of the Chiefs franchise. From Cassel to Hillis to Dorsey to Jackson to Dexter McCluster to Larry Johnson, you can always buy an overpriced physical manifestation of the Chiefs organizational incompetence for $50.
Robert:The Chiefs' ownership isn't much different than the French. Lamar Hunt plays Louis XIV, beloved by all. Then comes little Clark Hunt playing Louis the XVI: The hermit leader who refuses to talk to the media, who inherited his title as CEO, loves soccer more than football (All-American soccer player, owner of FC Dallas, prior owner of the KC Wizards), brought in overpaid fatty Scott Pioli and even fatter Andy Reid, and makes 2nd rate ketchup that no one likes.
Phantom:Until we tank hard enough to get a stud quarterback, we'll be lucky to make one wild card appearance in the next five years. By the way, fuck Dexter McCluster.
Brian:While most of us were hoping we’d get a flashy young QB like Geno Smith, we do the Chiefiest thing we can do and trade for his white half-brother. A guy who happens to have a worse career QB rating than Matt Cassel.
Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me and give me ample evidence of why your team sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with fans, etc. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next team up: Denver Broncos.Art by Jim Cooke/Photo via GettyHopefully, Jon Baldwin will not try to punch someone again. I know that is asking a great deal, but I'm an optimist.
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger hits back at critics and insists his transfer strategy is on track
Visibly irritated by all the criticism Arsenal have faced in recent days, Wenger also defended the club’s conduct in their pursuit of Newcastle United and France midfielder Yohan Cabaye. Alan Pardew, the Newcastle manager, has accused Arsenal of disrespecting his club by lodging their £10.2million bid for Cabaye only hours before the 4-0 defeat by Manchester City on Monday.
Arsenal will return with an improved bid for Cabaye, who wants to leave, and there is still active interest in Paul Pogba, Wayne Rooney, Luis Suárez, Gareth Barry and Asmir Begovic.
“I would just like to reiterate to you that in the last 16 years we have been very successful with transfers,” Wenger said. “If you look at the players we have, they are top quality and you should never forget that. It is not always to think what is outside is better than what you have. What is important as well is to rate what you have and our fans have to understand that as well. It’s hard but I can understand the impatience.
“I am not happy when our fans are not happy because my job is to make them happy. But I cannot listen every minute to every state of mind. I have to focus on and do what I always do – what is important for this club.”
Wenger dismissed the suggestion that Tottenham's transfer activity would put Arsenal’s top-four place under threat. “I hear that for 16 years now,” he said. “You cannot look all the time in life at what others do. You do what is right for you.
“A squad has to have the right number. Not enough players is not good. Too many players and there is no competition any more. That is not very good as well. We will have the right balance when the transfer window closes, don’t worry.”
On Arsenal’s offer for Cabaye, Wenger said: “You don’t know what we have done, you don’t know if we did bid. It’s quite amazing that all of the people don’t know and yet they always have opinions about things they don’t know.
“It’s not down to me to explain to you everything I do. It’s impossible. If we do a transfer we will announce it. We don’t want to hurt anybody, not Newcastle, not anybody. You can’t reproach us on one side for not buying and yet on the other side when we try to buy to reproach us as well. That is a bit contradictory.”
Wenger is still promising “a lot” of transfer activity, although he also said that it was the matches rather than the transfer window that actually mattered in football.
Asked why Arsenal had left it so late to spend, Wenger said: “Less than two weeks is a long time and 75 per cent of things happen in the last 10 days. We are not there yet but a lot will happen in the next 10 days. When we think we have the right players, we do it. We were restricted for years and we competed with exceptional quality. This year we did not lose any players.
“I repeat many, many times that the transfer window should be over before the season starts because it is destabilising once the season has started — to be there talking about what is not really important in football. What is important in football is to go out and see a good game. All that other stuff is good for the newspapers but it is not real football.”
Wenger conceded that his squad was currently short but blamed that on injuries to Mikel Arteta and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. “We lost two players in three days for long periods,” he said. “I could get lessons on training sessions from everybody at the moment. I don’t worry because I believe in the players we have and the quality of their spirit and attitude will come out again.”
Wenger also pointed to the form of his squad at the end of last season and suggested that Saturday’s 3-1 defeat against Aston Villa was the result of freak circumstances. “Since March we have lost one game. We have deeply ingrained in us that we know we have quality.”
Arsenal midfielder Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain "out for a while" says manager Arsène Wenger
The 20-year-old - who has become a key part of Roy Hodgson's squad for the 2014 World Cup qualifiers - limped out of the Arsenal's 3-1 home defeat by Aston Villa on the opening day of the new Premier League season and reports have suggested he could be set for up to six months on the sidelines.
While Wenger did not give any timescale on the player's recovery ahead of travelling to Istanbul for the Champions League play-off first leg against Fenerbahce on Wednesday, the prognosis does not appear positive.
"The difference from Saturday is that Oxlade-Chamberlain is out for a while with a knee problem," Wenger said.
There was, though, better news on Bacary Sagna, Kieran Gibbs, Aaron Ramsey, Jack Wilshere and Tomas Rosicky, all of whom trained on Tuesday morning, as did defender Nacho Monreal, who has been out with a back problem.
There had been fears over the fitness of those individuals, especially full-back Sagna, who landed awkwardly towards the end of the game on Saturday, but they could all play some part in Turkey as Arsenal look to seal a place in the lucrative group stages of the Champions League.
"Everybody else should make it. There's a final decision (on Wednesday) but Sagna and Gibbs should be available," said Wenger.
"Nacho Monreal is back and will travel."
Wenger admitted following Saturday's defeat, when his side were booed off the pitch at full-time, how the players respond will shape their season.
Taking on Fenerbahce in the Sukru Saracoglu Stadium will certainly prove a test of character, but Wenger is confident it is one which Arsenal can pass.
He added: "Yes of course (they are the most important games of the season). We fought very hard last season to be in the top four and that game has a vital importance.
"It is a consequence of what we tried to achieve last season and therefore, on the back of our defeat against Aston Villa, it's important as well to bounce back straight away.
"To be part of the top level - that is for us the most important thing. All the rest are the consequences of it. When you are a football player, you want to play at the top level and that's what the Champions League is about."
Arsenal defeated Bayern Munich away last season, with the Germans going on to win the tournament, and in the 2008/2009 campaign the Gunners beat Fenerbahce 5-2, which ended the Turkish side's impressive 15-match unbeaten home run in Europe.
Wenger said: "We try to win everywhere we go. That is the only target we have to set ourselves.
"We respect Fenerbahce highly but in the history of our club we have gone everywhere, all over, and always had a desire to win and that is what we will do again."
If Arsenal do reach the group stages there will be even more calls for new faces in north London, after a bid for Newcastle midfielder Yohan Cabaye was rejected on Monday.
The £10million move for the France international is the latest failed transfer attempt during a frustrating summer for Wenger, who has also looked at signing the likes of Wayne Rooney, Luis Suarez and Gonzalo Higuain with no success to date.
The Gunners fans were vocal during the Villa game, chanting "spend some money", as Arsenal are understood to be sitting on a £70m warchest with which to try and attract marquee names to help mount a long-overdue sustained title challenge.
(Edited by Kristian Walsh)
Arsenal v Fenerbahce: Arsène Wenger's trip to Turkish 'hell' provides relief from revolt back home in London
Booed off by his own fans following the 3-1 defeat against Aston Villa on Saturday, Wenger knows that he is facing a revolt back home and the 1,700-mile trip to Turkey on Tuesday might even have come as a relief. A hostile atmosphere is guaranteed inside Fenerbahce’s atmospheric Sukru Saracoglu Stadium but Wenger’s players could quite conceivably find it easier to express themselves away from the fevered local demand for new signings.
The need for complete focus could hardly be more acute. With Champions League football generally worth around £25 million, Wenger agreed on Tuesday that this two-legged play-off was “the most important” game of Arsenal’s entire season.
“We fought very hard last season to be in the top four and the game has a vital importance,” the manager said. “To be part of the top level, for us, is the most important. All the rest are the consequences of it. It will be a very hot atmosphere as it always is in Turkey. You always have an opportunity to show your personality.”
The omens ahead of tonight are mixed. Arsenal are seeking to extend their participation in the group phase of the Champions League to 16 consecutive years and, in that time, they have previously come through five play-off matches at a combined aggregate score of 24-3.
It is arguable, though, whether they have previously faced such dangerous opponents amid such a backdrop of negativity back home. As well as the supporters’ anger over Arsenal’s inactivity in the transfer market, injuries and form are a major concern.
The good news was that Bacary Sagna, Kieran Gibbs, Tomas Rosicky, Aaron Ramsey and Nacho Monreal all travelled following injury scares but Wenger confirmed that Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain would be out for at least six weeks with a strain to his posterior cruciate ligament.
Goalkeeper is also again an area of concern, with Wojciech Szczesny’s mistakes against Villa on Saturday doing nothing to settle the issue amid competition from Lukasz Fabianski. “There is a fight going for the two keepers – Fabianski will have his chances,” Wenger said.
Per Mertesacker has particular experience playing in Turkey and has told his team-mates that it will be critical tonight for Arsenal to quickly deflate the atmosphere. “You have to be aware of the first 20 minutes,” he said. “You have to keep them as quiet as possible and that’s very hard.”
Ersun Yanal, the Fenerbahce manager, seemed conscious that the challenge facing Arsenal just now was as much mental as physical. “The pressure is on – I trust my players and I think we will finish the first-leg with the advantage,” he said.
The caveat hanging over the entire fixture is that Fenerbahce’s ongoing participation in Europe remains dependent on their appeal to the Court of Arbitration for Sport to overturn a two-year ban for alleged match-fixing. That hearing actually begins in Lausanne on Wednesday but the verdict is not due until Aug 28, the day after the second leg.
Should Fenerbahce beat Arsenal but lose their appeal, Uefa will hold a meeting of their emergency panel to decide how to proceed. It is a potential lifeline for Arsenal or Salzburg – who were beaten in the previous play-off round by Fenerbahce – but Wenger is adamant that his team must approach the tie as a sudden-death situation.
“We want to win on the pitch – that’s all we want to focus on,” the Frenchman said. “It’s a big game and a decisive one. We have been everywhere in Europe in all the big stages and seen heated atmospheres but we always try to play.”
Arsène Wenger: Arsenal must be fully committed against 'experienced' Fenerbahce
Speaking ahead of the match, Arsenal boss Arsène Wenger insisted there is no need for his side to change their philosophy.
"Fenerbahce is very experienced team with quality players. We know them very well because some them have played in England, some of them have played in France. They have (Dirk) Kuyt, (Raul) Meireles, (Joseph) Yobo. They played in England," added Wenger.
Charles Green to resign as Rangers consultant and sell all his shares in the club following calls for him to step down
The EGM is being sought by a group that includes businessman, Jim McColl, and Paul Murray – mainstay of the previous Blue Knights consortium, who failed to buy Rangers last year – in an attempt to remove Craig Mather, the chief executive, finance director, Brian Stockbridge and another board member, Bryan Smart.
There are those on both sides who favour a compromise but the sticking point is Murray’s presence in the opposition group. Murray, a former director under his namesake, Sir David, is understood to have angered Mather, who is unhappy about the nature of leaks and speculation which have emanated from the other side.
There is now a possibility that the EGM and Rangers’ annual general meeting could be held on the same night, probably in the third week of September and at a notable cost to the club.
As for Green, who levered his way back into Ibrox as a paid consultant earlier in the month, it is the second time he has been cut adrift by Rangers. The previous occasion was in April when his position as chief executive became untenable in the light of evidence of covert dealings with the disgraced previous owner, Craig Whyte, and because of Green’s use of a racial epithet to describe his financial controller, Imran Ahmad.
One version of yesterday’s events had Green agreeing to quit but the official statement, issued by Rangers to the Stock Exchange, read: “Following a board meeting this morning the club’s directors decided to terminate the consultancy agreement with Charles Green. The decision was unanimous and takes effect immediately.”
Although no longer employed by Rangers, Green will still have a significant say in how the Ibrox boardroom will look after Christmas.
Green, who supervised last winter’s public stock offer and whose five million shares give him a 7.7 per cent holding, chose to quit during a conference call with the Rangers directors.
He also promised to sell his shares and now awaits a decision by another Rangers investor, the bus tycoon Sandy Easdale, who has the option of purchase. Jack Irvine, spokesman for the Easdale family, said: “Charles Green has given first refusal of his shares to Sandy Easdale as he promised. Sandy may take all or some of the shareholding depending on the strategic requirements of other potential investors.”
In respect of the call for an EGM, in order to install Paul Murray and Frank Blin – formerly head of PricewaterhouseCoopers – the Rangers statement said: “The board wish to make it clear Mr Green was not the only point on the agenda at today’s meeting.
“The directors can state categorically that they have always been open to adding to the current size of the board and are actively seeking a new chairman, one who will bring instant and significant benefits.
“In particular it will be necessary to connect strongly with corporate Britain if the board’s ambitions for Rangers are to be fulfilled.
“This board has been working tirelessly to find an intelligent solution to the request for a general meeting and all of the directors are open to sensible and reasonable additions. For instance, the board are not against Frank Blin becoming a director but do have reservations about other proposals.”
The last sentence was a reference to Paul Murray’s bid to become a director at Ibrox for the second time.
Rangers defender Darren Cole has been told to “stay away from the club until further notice” following a breach of discipline.
The 21-year-old failed to report for the Garry Lynch Memorial friendly between Cambuslang Rangers and a Ibrox reserve team on Aug 11.
Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho: transfer window 'open too long'
Mourinho, the returning Chelsea boss, was also quizzed over his efforts to bring Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney to Stamford Bridge before the transfer window closes at the end of the month.
"When you think that you'd like to have one player and the market is open and the official bids are not forbidden, official bids are always accepted in an ethical way.
"Of course, the player's owners they can do exactly what we did in relation to David Luiz and Barcelona."
Despite hoping to remain active in it, Mourinho sympathises with those managers calling for the window to close before the Premier League season starts.
The subject again arose on Monday when Arsenal's bid for Newcastle's Yohan Cabaye on the day of the Magpies' match at Manchester City provoked Alan Pardew's ire.
"At a certain point I agree with what Alan was saying, that the transfer window goes too far, the transfer window goes to the third, fourth fixture of the season, which I also agree that is too much," Mourinho said.
"But at the same time it gives everybody a chance to be in the market while we are winning or losing points.
"We have conditions to try to improve our team by bringing in one more player and we are going to try that till the end."
Chelsea v Aston Villa: Jose Mourinho calls on players to destroy opponents in pursuit of Premier League title
Mourinho left his players in little doubt that he expected them to show no mercy in the pursuit of what would be only their second league title since his first spell in charge ended six years ago.
The win against Hull City on Sunday saw Chelsea threaten to do just that as they romped to a 2-0 lead inside 25 minutes, producing just the kind of football owner Roman Abramovich has long been seeking.
However, their second-half display bore more resemblance to Mourinho’s first stint as Chelsea manager, when wins by one or two goals and a clean sheet became the norm.
It is becoming increasingly clear that is no longer acceptable for Abramovich or Mourinho, who transformed his reputation for cautious football during his goal-laden three years at Real Madrid.
Having seen Manchester United and City both score four times in their Premier League openers, the Portuguese insisted that Chelsea’s title rivals would not hesitate to put his own players to the sword if they had the chance.
He said: “We want to win matches. But what I like is that when you have the chance to destroy teams, to beat them by three, four, or five, we have to do it. If someone has the chance to do it to you, they will not forgive you, they will give you nothing. If someone feels that they can do it to us, they will do it.”
If the record 8-0 win against Aston Villa last season is anything to go by, Chelsea will never have a better chance to show Mourinho that they can “destroy” an opponent than at Stamford Bridge on Wednesday.
Those with most to prove to their new manager this evening appear to be the trio of attackers behind the main striker, who Mourinho accused of disappearing in the second half against Hull.
Echoing the kind of statements that got the best out of Joe Cole during his first spell in charge, Mourinho warned Eden Hazard in particular not to “waste” his talent.
He said of the £32?million man he has nicknamed 'Eddie’: “I want more responsibility and more ambition. When you are a normal player, you have to be happy if you perform OK, when you have actions during the game that show quality.
“But when you are a top talent, you can’t waste that talent. He has the conditions to be a top player. This is what I want. Whether I can get it, I don’t know but he is working very, very hard.”
A Chelsea victory on Wednesday would give them an early three-point advantage in the title race and also send them six clear of Arsenal, whose opening-day defeat to Villa has already sparked talk of a crisis at the Emirates Stadium.
Manager Arsène Wenger is facing a supporter revolt over his failure to spend a penny in the transfer window but Mourinho said: “Fans are always against you when you don’t get results. He has big stability in the club, experience, he knows how to cope with the pressure.”
Arsenal play Fenerbahce in the first leg of their Champions League play-off on Wednesday and Mourinho added: “He beats Fenerbahce and he gets into the Champions League, stability comes.”
But the Portuguese could not resist a dig at his old rival, whose next Premier League game is at Fulham on Saturday, saying: “Probably, they will win the next match — I hope not as I like Fulham a lot.”
Like Wenger, Mourinho has also yet to land a marquee signing this summer but, has refused to concede defeat in the pursuit of his No 1 target, Wayne Rooney.
Chelsea look likely to test Manchester United’s resolve not to sell with a third bid for the England striker before the transfer window closes but Mourinho revealed he had a plan B “and C” — said to be Samuel Eto’o and Robert Lewandowski — if that failed to bear fruit.
He refused to be drawn on whether he thought Rooney would, or should, play against Chelsea in Monday’s showdown between the sides at Old Trafford and defended his pursuit of the 27-year-old despite United’s not-for-sale warnings, saying: “You try because nobody forbids you to try.”
However, he also admitted he had sympathy with the argument the transfer window should have closed before the season began, something which would help curtail such sagas.
Everton eager to recruit Gareth Barry from Manchester City but face problems over his wages
Barry has been told he can leave the Etihad Stadium by new manager Manuel Pellegrini after the summer recruitment of Fernandinho from Shakhtar Donetsk. Barry was excluded from the 18-man squad for their game against Newcastle United on Monday night.
The England international has one year left on his £100,000-a-week contract and Roberto Martínez, the Everton manager, is also keen to sign the midfielder on loan but both clubs will require City to reach an agreement on continuing to fund his salary.
Arsenal are also weighing up a bid to sign him as Arsène Wenger believes that the 32-year-old would represent a decent addition as cover for his midfield, but Everton appear to be in the driving seat.
Vincent Kompany faces up to a month on the sidelines after injuring his groin in the 4-0 victory against Newcastle. Plans to scan the damage sustained by the City captain have been put back until today with the club keen to allow the injury to settle before assessing the full extent of the problem.
Pellegrini suggested after of the Newcastle game that the injury would keep Kompany out of action for up to a fortnight, but there are now fears at City that the Belgian will be ruled out until after the international break next month.
Kompany, who was troubled by repeated calf injury problems last season, has already been ruled out of the trip to Cardiff City on Sunday, with the 27-year-old also expected to miss the visit of Hull City to the Etihad on Aug??31.
Should Kompany miss the Hull game as anticipated, the centre-half could then find himself at the centre of a club-versus-country battle if he chooses to join the Belgium squad ahead of their potentially decisive World Cup qualifier against Scotland in Glasgow on Sept??6.
Kompany was criticised by former City manager Roberto Mancini last season after playing in Belgium’s World Cup qualifier against Macedonia in March, despite being sidelined for almost two months with a calf injury.
With Belgium able to secure qualification for Brazil 2014 should they defeat Scotland and benefit from favourable results elsewhere in Group A, Kompany’s fitness will be scrutinised before any decision is made on his ability to participate. But with City due to face Stoke City at the Britannia Stadium on Sept??14, it is expected that Kompany will be fit to return to action before the clash with Manchester United at the Etihad eight days later.
Pellegrini remains determined to add defensive reinforcements to his squad ahead of the transfer deadline, with Real Madrid defender Pepe and Atletico Madrid’s Martin Demichelis identified as targets.
However, Matija Nastasic is expected to ease City’s defensive worries by returning to action alongside Joleon Lescott at Cardiff. Meanwhile Scott Sinclair is set to leave the club in the next few days with West Bromwich Albion hopeful of putting the finishing touches to a season’s loan that will result in a permanent £4million move next summer.
Everton manager Martínez, meanwhile, has described Manchester United’s £28million double bid for Leighton Baines and Marouane Fellaini as a “waste of time”. Former Goodison manager David Moyes failed to lure his ex-players to Old Trafford with his formal approach last week, but it is expected he will return. Everton are unhappy with the timing of the offers, especially as they will have little chance to secure replacements should United eventually meet more realistic valuations.
Martínez advocates the closure of the transfer window coinciding with the start of the season, a logical move carrying widespread support across the game. However, it would be difficult to impose because uniformity would be needed across Europe.
“I think as a club we made it very clear that the whole issue was a bit of a waste of time and the fans need to be aware of that,” Martínez said on United’s bids.
“I don’t agree with having the window open while the games are going on and the games are official. I think over the last few years the situation has been evolving. I think this is quite a new situation that affects not just the Premier League, I think it affects everywhere around Europe and around all the major leagues.”
Five other attacking options for Liverpool after Willian turns them down for Spurs
Iker Muniain
Age: 20
Club: Athletic Bilbao
Nationality: Spanish
The signings of Coutinho and Daniel Sturridge have proven Anfield to be a haven for redemption for players who need to freshen up their fledging careers. It now seems inconceivable Coutinho was unable to find a place in Inter's side, while Sturridge was forced out of Stamford Bridge by bigger names. Iker Muniain of Athletic Bilbao has the ability to do similar.
He was magnificent for the Basque side during their run to the Europa League final in 2012 and thrived in Marcelo Bielsa's free-flowing formation, cutting in from the left-hand side with speed and purpose. Goals, and more of them, were the only thing missing from his performances. Unfortunately, Bielsa is a multifarious character and so it proved last season with his volatility and eccentricity overriding everything else. Muniain was shifted central and struggled to adapt. Though Bielsa left in the summer and Ernesto Valverde is now in charge, it may be a change of club that reignites this precocious talent.
Why the deal won't happen: After selling Javi Martinez and Fernando Llorente in the past 12 months, Athletic will be keen to not allow any more leave San Mamés.
Picture: GETTY IMAGESGareth Southgate interviewed for England U21 job
Southgate has met with the Club England board and remains the favourite on a short-list of nine, with Steve McClaren, Rene Meulensteen and Michael Appleton also strong contenders.
The FA has been conducting interviews since the end of last week and are determined to make an appointment within the next 10 days, ahead of the European Championship qualifier against Moldova in September.
Southgate is believed to have been one of the first candidates to be approached and is keen to take on the post, 13 months after leaving his position as the FA's head of elite development.
Despite his strong relationship with senior figures at the FA, the 42-year-old faces competition from the likes of former England manager McClaren, who is currently working as a first-team coach at Queens Park Rangers.
Meulensteen left Manchester United at the end of last season and is also expected to be interviewed while Appleton is highly admired by Roy Hodgson and director of elite development Dan Ashworth.
Hodgson guided the U21s to a resounding 6-0 victory over Scotland last week and is heavily involved in the selection process along with new FA chairman Greg Dyke.
England will begin their next European Championship campaign next month, with qualifiers against Moldova and Finland.
Hope Powell sacked as England women's football coach
Powell’s job seemed watertight ahead of the Euro finals in Sweden in July, and not just through a record of success that included reaching the Euro 2009 final and the quarter-finals of the 2007 and 2011 World Cups.
Having taken over what was the bare skeleton of an England set-up in 1998, when the senior team was supplemented only by an Under-18 squad that played few games, she oversaw an expansion to five national teams below senior level. She was also a prime mover in the creation of a nationwide structure of girls’ Centres of Excellence, while at the elite club level, her voice was strongly influential in the formation of the semi-professional Women’s Super League in 2011 and its summer format.
Her long tenure has come to an end, however, following a disastrous Euro 2013 at which England – ranked seventh in the world before a post-finals drop to 11th – finished with only one point, the worst record in the 12-nation tournament and Powell’s team’s poorest showing since a similar return at Euro 2001.
FA general secretary Alex Horne, announcing Powell’s dismissal, said: “Hope deserves a lot of credit for her commitment to developing the national teams over such a long period. [But] after the disappointment of the tournament in Sweden, the Club England Board believe the time is right to make a change and for a fresh outlook. We will now look to recruit a new head coach and a technical lead for women’s football who will report to [FA director of elite development] Dan Ashworth.”
With World Cup qualifiers beginning next month, the FA may have to make an interim appointment, with the most likely contender being Women’s Under-19 coach Mo Marley .
Gareth Southgate has been interviewed for the role of England Under-21s manager as the FA steps up its search for Stuart Pearce’s successor. Southgate is the favourite on a shortlist of nine, with Steve McClaren, Rene Meulensteen and Michael Appleton also strong contenders.